No walk in the tulips

Talking to my mom has glimpes of genius at times. Sometimes she seems to listen but not really be emotionally involved in my conversation. This has been more recently than before. Maybe it is her survival mechanism kicking in and she just doesn't know how to respond? But then there are times when she gets it and is able to talk to me so I will listen. Last night was one of those nights. I had been so emotional all day dealing with Robert and his emotional issues that even while I am in seperation mode, I am still worrying about his responses to me. She brought that up to me last night. "Tell him to kiss your butt and quit worrying about Robert because Robert only cares about Robert"...that was a 'touche' moment for me but then she said to me (as I was whining about the right thing to say or do and how to make the options for divorce the easiest possible and she said- 'there is not going to be an easy option, divorce isn't a walk in the tulips...it's never meant to be' and she was right. Who am kidding, trying to do the right thing...always trying to be fair and just and look where it has brought me. 46 and living in a motel because I can't stay in my own house for FEAR. OMG-I have to get a grip on my life and really take control of this situation and move on. Limbo is no place to be...it reminds me of what I have heard others refer to as pergotory-not quite heaven and not quite hell. That seems to be what limbo is for me but I have the choice to move my status up or down. I choose up...
till later~

First laundry mat...

I really didn't even recall my entry that was previous to this but apparently I wrote it. I have known that stress causes significant issues with your brain but I thought I had it under 'control' which is hilarious to really say out loud. "Under control"...very laughable when I think of it. That seems to be part of my life that I have to learn to do better...let go of control. Perhaps the need for control has been part of my problems for many years or it could be that needing to keep control allowed me to stay in it for so long. I don't know. Maybe the weekly counseling sessions will help me understand that? Counseling has helped me understand several points that have helped me migrate through this landmine of a process. All my reactions and actions for 30 years have been based on how Robert would react. Doesn't that sound pitiful?!! Ok, my laundry is done and I have to go take it out of the laundrymat dryer for the first time in 25 years. Many changes in my life...