No walk in the tulips

Talking to my mom has glimpes of genius at times. Sometimes she seems to listen but not really be emotionally involved in my conversation. This has been more recently than before. Maybe it is her survival mechanism kicking in and she just doesn't know how to respond? But then there are times when she gets it and is able to talk to me so I will listen. Last night was one of those nights. I had been so emotional all day dealing with Robert and his emotional issues that even while I am in seperation mode, I am still worrying about his responses to me. She brought that up to me last night. "Tell him to kiss your butt and quit worrying about Robert because Robert only cares about Robert"...that was a 'touche' moment for me but then she said to me (as I was whining about the right thing to say or do and how to make the options for divorce the easiest possible and she said- 'there is not going to be an easy option, divorce isn't a walk in the tulips...it's never meant to be' and she was right. Who am kidding, trying to do the right thing...always trying to be fair and just and look where it has brought me. 46 and living in a motel because I can't stay in my own house for FEAR. OMG-I have to get a grip on my life and really take control of this situation and move on. Limbo is no place to be...it reminds me of what I have heard others refer to as pergotory-not quite heaven and not quite hell. That seems to be what limbo is for me but I have the choice to move my status up or down. I choose up...
till later~

First laundry mat...

I really didn't even recall my entry that was previous to this but apparently I wrote it. I have known that stress causes significant issues with your brain but I thought I had it under 'control' which is hilarious to really say out loud. "Under control"...very laughable when I think of it. That seems to be part of my life that I have to learn to do better...let go of control. Perhaps the need for control has been part of my problems for many years or it could be that needing to keep control allowed me to stay in it for so long. I don't know. Maybe the weekly counseling sessions will help me understand that? Counseling has helped me understand several points that have helped me migrate through this landmine of a process. All my reactions and actions for 30 years have been based on how Robert would react. Doesn't that sound pitiful?!! Ok, my laundry is done and I have to go take it out of the laundrymat dryer for the first time in 25 years. Many changes in my life...

Weeks and Not Days

Let's see...hmm...how many days has it been now? I seem to have lost count on the number of days. I was counting them 1,2,3...all the way to 15 and now I am not sure how many it has been? Is that a good or bad thing? I'm not sure...feels better, somehow. 5/28 till now would be (I'm pulling my calendar out) 18 days. 18 days since I left the house; 18 days since we haven't been in the same house. Leaving that night was easy in the sense that I had often thought about it and thought it would be such a scene; but in reality, yes there was a scene, but my resolution was so strong then that I don't think I even noticed how hard it was. Screaming in his face, out loud (not just in my head as I normally did only) the words..."I am DONE, I am DONE, I am Done' was the period at the end of my 26 year long sentence! I didn't struggle to get my clothes on-I put on the first thing my hand grabbed. A bra wasn't one of the things my hands gravitated to at that time. I needed what was in the safety zone of my closet. Grab pants, check-pull on...is he coming at me?...no, not yet. He is still searching for the other phone. He is distracted. Wild with the obsession that he MUST find the other phone. If he does, then surely I won't leave. Becasue he would have the control of me again if he has my phone. It sounds silly typing the words out because it sounds so high-schoolish but that was his game. Often he would take my things and hide them from me as his passive aggressiveness or lack of control of his world, he would try and control mine. Man, days rocked into weeks for 26+ years of living like that. Never knowing what was behind door #1 when I got home. I recall the show-Let's Make a Deal; on the show the host, Monty Hall, would say to some unsure audience contestant, "would you like Door #1 with $500 cash behind it OR would you like what is unknown behind Door #2?" I'm probably one of the few people that can make a comparison to this show (and I often do because of Carol Marol) but now that I think back on it there is life similarities. I knew what door #1 had behind it...pain, sorrow, anxiety, uncertaintly, need, moodiness, drunkiness, laziness, alchohol, mental abuse, drama...There was another door there; Door #2 but I didn't know what was behind that door so I played it safe (lol, yeah right!) and stuck with the Door I knew and left the unopened door alone. I did that same thing for 26 years, 7 months and 28 days. So, when I grabbed those cream crop pants and stripped shirt and pulled them on my body I still wasn't certain that I would pick Door #2...really, I was just walking out of Door #1....finally~