Weeks and Not Days

Let's see...hmm...how many days has it been now? I seem to have lost count on the number of days. I was counting them 1,2,3...all the way to 15 and now I am not sure how many it has been? Is that a good or bad thing? I'm not sure...feels better, somehow. 5/28 till now would be (I'm pulling my calendar out) 18 days. 18 days since I left the house; 18 days since we haven't been in the same house. Leaving that night was easy in the sense that I had often thought about it and thought it would be such a scene; but in reality, yes there was a scene, but my resolution was so strong then that I don't think I even noticed how hard it was. Screaming in his face, out loud (not just in my head as I normally did only) the words..."I am DONE, I am DONE, I am Done' was the period at the end of my 26 year long sentence! I didn't struggle to get my clothes on-I put on the first thing my hand grabbed. A bra wasn't one of the things my hands gravitated to at that time. I needed what was in the safety zone of my closet. Grab pants, check-pull on...is he coming at me?...no, not yet. He is still searching for the other phone. He is distracted. Wild with the obsession that he MUST find the other phone. If he does, then surely I won't leave. Becasue he would have the control of me again if he has my phone. It sounds silly typing the words out because it sounds so high-schoolish but that was his game. Often he would take my things and hide them from me as his passive aggressiveness or lack of control of his world, he would try and control mine. Man, days rocked into weeks for 26+ years of living like that. Never knowing what was behind door #1 when I got home. I recall the show-Let's Make a Deal; on the show the host, Monty Hall, would say to some unsure audience contestant, "would you like Door #1 with $500 cash behind it OR would you like what is unknown behind Door #2?" I'm probably one of the few people that can make a comparison to this show (and I often do because of Carol Marol) but now that I think back on it there is life similarities. I knew what door #1 had behind it...pain, sorrow, anxiety, uncertaintly, need, moodiness, drunkiness, laziness, alchohol, mental abuse, drama...There was another door there; Door #2 but I didn't know what was behind that door so I played it safe (lol, yeah right!) and stuck with the Door I knew and left the unopened door alone. I did that same thing for 26 years, 7 months and 28 days. So, when I grabbed those cream crop pants and stripped shirt and pulled them on my body I still wasn't certain that I would pick Door #2...really, I was just walking out of Door #1....finally~